The Waiting Room

Recently, my primary care doctor suggested that I stop taking antidepressants to deal with my anxiety/depression. I taken meds since I was in my 20's. I think I have used every medication out there, as some just stop working after some time. The meds really keep me on an even keel. Kind of like the commercial for Zoloft with the sad brain cell that becomes a bouncing brain cell after taking the medication.

My initial reaction was "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!" I need my meds. I began to think of what would happen without them. Would I be able to function? Would I end up a total basket case of nerves and walk around in a state of cat-like readiness? Would I become so depressed after the anxiety that I curl up in a dark corner of my closet and not come out?

Because that has happened in the past.

Then I thought "Sure, everything is OK now (this was before the events of last week), but what happens when things really get cray-cray? What happens THEN???"

My doctor said that maybe it's time to let go. I am not the same person I was back then. I have developed some good coping skills, especially in the past year that signify positive signs. She said that we would do this slowly and methodically. If it seems that it is too much, then we will stay with a that level of maintenance. She said that I should give myself credit for being stronger now, emotionally and mentally and developing strategies to deal with the anxiety and depression that seem to follow me wherever I go.

After giving it some serious thought, I decided to give it a try. I am now taking the meds every other day. So far, I have not noticed much difference. None of the brain-zaps that sometimes happen if I miss a couple of doses (That usually happens when I am sick to the point of not keeping anything in my stomach to the point of throwing up). Also, even though I did have some meltdowns over recent events, they have not sent me into a tailspin. There has been anxiety, but nothing so dramatic that I am not able to talk myself of the ledge, or have someone else talk me down successfully. And, I suppose if I am going to try this, now is the best time.

I still have some fears. I've only been doing the every other day thing for two weeks. So, I don't know how much is still in my system to compensate for the missing dose. What happens if and when I am working full time and doing the PhD part time or doing the PhD full time and working part time? Can I still balance everything without help? I suppose I should give myself credit for the progress that I have made, but that's just the way that I am...playing the what-if game.

For now, I feel fine. I should just embrace that. Maybe it's OK to let go of Mother's Little Helper.