The Waiting Room

This could take a while...

Tuesday, April 01, 2014

Want vs. Need

Posted by Seeking Solace |

It's been about nine months since I left my job at Tech College to work part-time and work on the PhD part time. For the most part, it has been nice. My health is great; I only had one flare up that required steroids. I work from home, teaching one online class, which has allowed me to concentrate on my PhD. My house has never been cleaner, as I adopted a house cleaning routine that frees up time, especially on the weekends. And, Junior loves having his mom home. I am relaxed and relatively steers free.

So, I should be happy...right?

Well, sort of.

I miss teaching on site. Online teaching is OK, but I think I am better in a face-to-face environment. There are not many opportunities out there right now, although I am still waiting to hear about a adjunct teaching position for the fall at another institution. HBCU does not have anything available on campus, but they did offer me the online class to teach in the fall.

Being at home is also hard when you can't drive. Because of my visual disability, I can't get a driver's license.  People have no idea how much independence is lost when you cannot drive. Public transport is horrible in Elsewhere, otherwise, I would be all over it. So, getting out to be among the people is kind of tough.

I miss having more discretionary income. It's not that we need my salary. Husband makes enough money that anything that I make is extra. When I was working full-time, we used my income to build a nice emergency account, build up both of our retirement accounts and do some nice things like update some things in our house or have more vacation time. But, my salary was also my own to manage and use for what I waned. Now, don't think that Husband is one of those guys who is selfish with money. There really isn't a "his" or "her" money. It's ours. But, as a woman and having seen what can happen to women when their spouse leaves or dies, it is important for me to have something of my own. What I earn right now is quite dismal, which is just another example of the plight of the adjunct. I'll save that rant for another day. And, it's not like I have to "have" certain things or can't control my own spending. I am quite fiscally responsible and savvy. I just miss having that little extra.

All of these feelings bubbled up because I found a posting at PhD university for a full time job. It's not teaching, it's another demonstrative position that I am about 95% qualified. I would be able to combine my legal and education backgrounds. It's a straight 8-5 job, with some flexibility. But, as I started working on the cover letter, I started thinking about what would happen if I was offered the job. Am I going back to the land of insanity, like at Tech College? What would happen to my work out schedule that has helped me get back to remission? What about my PhD? I even started thinking if my house would be as neat and tidy then as it is now and how poor Junior will miss out on our walks.


It's crazy because I do this all the time. I get excited about some opportunity and then start playing the "what if" game to the point that I become paralyzed with fear of even applying.

It's also crazy because I have a hard time being happy with where I am. Living in the moment, if you will. People constantly tell me that I should embrace this time because not too many people get such an opportunity. Don't get me wrong. I am enjoying my time. But, I just wish there was something more.

I guess the Rolling Stones said it best. "You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you will find, you get what you need."