Although I have blogged a great deal about my dad, I have not blogged much about the rest of my family. And for good reason.
It's complicated.
My brother and I have not spoken in five years. And I don't know why.
Well, that's not completely true. I think I know why.
My brother had an affair that produced a child. He refuses to have a relationship with his child. My mom and I acknowledge this child and consider him one of us. I have been told, by my mom, that since we accept this child, my mom and I cannot have an relationship with my brother and his family, which includes his children. Now, my brother did not say this, this came from my mom. My mom is know for starting trouble and loving drama. But, my brother has not contacted me, despite knowing where I live.
So, I don't know if he is pissed at me or not.
To add to the drama, my brother and I have had this on-off kind of relationship. There are some serious non-bloggable issues concerning my relationship with my brother that only Husband knows. I have worked through those issues and I am OK about it. Also, my brother and my mom butt heads constantly. They have had a love-hate relationship since conception. He isn't speaking to her either.
Sounds like the makings of a cheesy Lifetime movie, no?
I have thought about writing to my brother to find out if he really feels the way that he does. (I'd call, but he has a new number and it is unlisted.) I guess I am afraid of finding out what I may already know; that he doesn't want to have a relationship with me or Husband and he does not want us in his children's' lives either.
On the other hand, a relationship with my brother could disturb the relative calm that I have right now with respect to family. My mom knows better not to discuss anything related to my brother and his "baby's mama" with me. (My mom is in contact with his baby's mama and I guess my brother has been poking around the hen-house). But, I refuse to deny my nephew because my brother does not want to step up and do the right thing.
Oh, and one last thought. My brother's wife is not the nicest person in the world either. She is the type of person that would intercept the letter before my brother ever saw it.
Anyway, should I write the letter? I have composed so many versions in my head, that I know what I want to say. But, do I really want to know the result?
Told you that it was complicated.
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About Me
- Seeking Solace
- I am a college professor who is fumbling through the chaos of academia, rheumatoid arthritis, working on my PhD and just being a 40 something woman. I used to be a lawyer, which made me a snarky little person. I have a wonderful Husband and a German Shepherd named Junior. They help keep me sane.
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12 comments:
I think his silence is its own message. Your brother knows where to find you and hasn't made an effort to reach out. It sounds like you have worked through what you need and have a good life. There is no need to invite drama and negativity into your life, even if its family. I'm a huge believer in the idea that you create your own "tribe" in life, sometimes that includes blood relations and sometimes it doesn't and that is perfectly fine. If you have things you want to express, write the letter, but don't send it. Get it all out on paper and then pack it away, both literally and figuratively.
I don't feel sure enough of any solution to advise you. But I just wanted to say that I completely agree with you about keeping up a relationship with the child, particularly if he is being rejected by his father. That's a very tough situation for any child to handle and he needs all the support he can get. It's really great that he's got acceptance from you and your mom.
I guess what's hard is that I miss my nieces very much. I often wonder if they think their auntie doesn't love them anymore or something.
I get that, too. And it would probably be worth trying to open at least the minimal amount of communication with your brother that would allow you to have a relationship with them, as well, if at all possible.
I really wish you the very best of luck with this, because I know how hard it is not to be able to be with kids you love.
Kai could be right that he could contact you if he wanted, but it's also possible that your brother believes that you have sided with your mother and won't speak to him.
I think it's better to know than not know. I have had a very poor relationship with my father, and we went for a long time without speaking. I felt better after we did. We are by no means close, but we do chat a couple of times a year, and it makes ME feel better.
My suggestion would be to write the letter and then think about it before you send it.
I have to agree with Arbitrista... it's always better to know for sure. I was in a crazy situation with a friend and finally reached out (after years of not talking). I found out her side of it and then made a decision from there - if you don't know some definites, then you will always be stuck in limbo w/the same situation.
I agree with Arbitrista and comebacknikki, no matter how bad family gets--and it can get pretty bad--I think its better to know for sure. I also think that reaching out to your brother--and possibly your nieces, if they're old enough--now might be important for your relationship with your nieces later. Even if you can't establish a connection now, trying might mean a lot to them later. I also TOTALLY agree with keeping contact with the nephew that your brother doesn't recognize.
Good luck. Its a tough situation.
I think it's really sad when siblings have these kinds of conflicts.
Maybe you could send a birthday card -- or some other innocent 'thinking of you' kind of card -- with a note saying you'd like to chat with him -- include your phone number and see what happens.
It wouldn't hurt to say that you miss him and that you'd like to have a connection to him.
I'm not so sure a full-on letter is the best opening move. The risk is that he'll just shut down and not want to talk about anything. A phone conversation would be the best option because you can get a much better idea of the sub-text of his words.
I like Philosphy Factory's idea - send something light, a note, a card with a "We miss you and your family" and a include your phone number and then see what happens. I think you should reach out because he could be feeling the same way but I think a full letter might scare him, or his wife. But if you are inoccous maybe it will slip through.
Is there a reason to not directly send change of address information to him when you move? And to guarantee HE gets it, send it "return receipt". Sorry for thinking of this so late.
I am way familiar with complicated family, though thankfully have a good relationship w/ the sibs
Blow through it, life's too short. You love your brother and nieces, call him. He may be as wrong as two left feet but he's your brother, you don't want regrets. At least do your part, you can't control what anyone else does.
I know I'm way late in responding, but I have to add my 2 cents.
I would write the letter. I couldn't not know. Additionally, it sounds like you want a relationship with your nieces. I think that is extremely important. Although there may be issues between the adults, they shouldn't suffer because of it.
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