The Waiting Room

It is looking more likely that I will not have a teaching gig for the summer. Most of the position that I have applied are for the Fall semester. None of the local colleges are hiring either. So, I am planning the first Summer of Seeking Solace, after the Summer of George episode of Seinfeld. Every summer since I was 17, I was working or going to school or working AND going to school. This summer, I will have none of those things.

This is a huge thing, my friends. How many people get this opportunity? So why do I feel a twinge of guilt?

I am reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. For those of you unfamiliar, it's the story of a 30-something woman who after a nasty divorce and emotional breakdown, decided to spend a year in three different parts of the world. In one chapter, she talks about the pursuit of pleasure despite feeling guilty. (Chapter 21). She talks about how we, Americans, feel we have to convince ourselves that we deserve to do something pleasurable. We work ourselves stupid only to feel guilt over self indulgence, whereas the Italian culture says "It's all right, have a great time." She realizes that it is perfectly OK to seek pleasure and tells off the voice guilt.

That really stuck me because I completely understood how the author felt. As I continue on my job hiatus. I often feel this ping of guilt if I don't accomplish something productive during the day. The idea of just spending the day reading a book rather than completing some household task starts the pangs of remorse. I was raised that you did your work first before engaging in anything fun. I am sure many of you remember having to do your chores or homework before you could play or watch TV. Why? Would it make any difference if I played first, then did my homework? What's the big deal if I spend the afternoon reading a great book and vacuum my living room at 9 PM?

It doesn't make a bit of difference.

Why am I like this? Why is it so hard for me to put myself first? We woman are really good at putting ourselves at the bottom of the list. Why are we last on the priority scale? Why the guilt if we engage in something strictly for us?

I caught myself thinking that I have to walk the Boy first, before I could do my workout. Why? Why did I decide that my workout was less important than his? As much as I love my Boy, isn't it more important to take care of his mom? Is he going to die because I waited until later to take him for his walk? Then I thought, well I have to clean the living room and kitchen before I do anything else. Why? I am not married to some ogre who wants his house spotless and a hot meal waiting for him. Husband could care less if I vacuum and dust today or tomorrow. And he doesn't care if I tell him that I just want to order pizza.

Sounds silly, no? But ask yourselves, if you have caught yourself in such a dilemma.

So, I am going to enjoy myself this summer. I am going to play and have fun. I am going to soak up the sun, dig in my garden and play with the Boy. I am going read books, go for long walks and cook wonderful meals because I WANT to. Of course, I will continue to look for a job and keep my house tidy, but it does not have be done first, or at all that day.

And I am going to tell that voice to lighten up!