Husband left for Mass a little bit ago. I have not gone in a few years. Every once in while, I get this ping of guilt, like I should go. But I just can't bring myself to do it.
I have this love-hate relationship with Catholicism. I think it started in the eighth grade when I was preparing for Confirmation. We were shown a film that depicted an abortion in graphic detail. Then, we were told what horrible things God would do to if any of us even considered such a thing. What a way to convey a message. The instructors probably figured that we would be scared into supporting pro-life. For me, it did the opposite. I felt like I was being told "Believe or else". I did not like that.
The Catholic church I attended during college was a little more progressive. I guess it would have to be, seeing that it was on a college campus and all. The rhetoric was the same, but not to the same intensity that I experienced in my home parish. It seemed like I found my way back.
When Husband and I were preparing for our wedding, we decided to get married in his parish. Husband is Byzantine Catholic. The wedding ceremony is rich with symbolism, which is what drew me to having the wedding in Husband's church. Later, I learned that we HAD to get married in the Byzantine Rite because the Byzantine Rite is a tad bit territorial. On top of that, Husband's priest was totally "old school". He insisted that we have the vow that states "Wives must be submissive to their husbands." I argued with the priest that there was NO WAY I was going to recite that garbage. Of course, this was dumped on me a week before the wedding, so I had no way of backing out and finding another priest or church. So I recited the offensive vow. But in true Seeking Solace fashion, I said "NOT" at the end. (It was audible and on tape!)
Since moving to Lake Effect Snow Central, my Mass attendance has been sporadic. Our parish has gone through many priests. Some were old school, which resulted in my boycott. One was really cool. His motto was "Mass in 30 minutes or it's free." His homilies were basically "Be good, For the love of God, just be good." No fire and brimstone. But, he was soon replaced with Father G, who is old school and LOVES to remind us that we need to give more money.
Someone asked me if I ever thought about changing religions. I dabbled in Buddhism for a while. Sadly, I got some heat from family. Plus, I saw what family can do when you stray from the norm. My best friend, Piglet, converted from Catholicism to Non Denominational before her wedding and family members treated her like she joined Al Qaeda! Husband thinks I should not give up on Catholicism. He feels that it's the Church that has to change, not him. Let the Church drive him out.
I wish I could think like that. I have a strong faith, but my flesh is rather weak.
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- Seeking Solace
- I am a college professor who is fumbling through the chaos of academia, rheumatoid arthritis, working on my PhD and just being a 40 something woman. I used to be a lawyer, which made me a snarky little person. I have a wonderful Husband and a German Shepherd named Junior. They help keep me sane.
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7 comments:
I can totally understand how you feel. I have not been to church in over a year and have no plans on attending soon. My issue is with exclusion and hypocrisy. I just can't sit in a church and hear hatred and intolerance come from a priest/pastor.
Here in the Deep South, church is everywhere! As soon as I got here, I was bombarded with invitations to attend church with other colleagues. Of course, each church was "better" for one reason or another!
I went to a ladies night out dinner with colleagues a month ago and we had a whole-table Christian prayer! Then, I got nicely grilled on why I didn't go to church and that I didn't look hard enough. Students and faculty find it okay to send mass emails inviting us to concerts and events at their respective churches.
I am curious: it is like this in other parts of the country?
As a confirmed atheist, I can't relate to your church issues (my family wasn't atheist growing up, but we didn't attend church). However, I do have MANY friends who were raised catholic and it seems like most of them have left the church (at least unofficially). One is even Wicca now! I am of the general opinion that religion has started and sustained MANY more wars and conflicts than it has prevented. Most of my neighbors and colleagues here are church-goers- it seems that the bible belt extends into Ohio! Just another way for my family to feel out of place (I mean in addition to us being a multi-cultural family in a WHITE town!)
Take care!
Hi,
I've been reading your blog for a bit and wanted to properly introduce myself...plus share about my experience...
I'm Joy aka Wild Child or Preschool teacher. I use to have a blog here...Wild Child Blooms. Life is complicated right now...btw jobs.
I don't think you're alone in not feeling part of your church. My dad AND mom were ministers (Presbyterian and Methodist) but not at the same time. Church was where I felt the most accepted. As a child your role in the church is so different. I felt loved and cared for. I've been a member of several prodestent churches and it's hard to feel out of the loop- so much of church is focused on families. Now, church is where I come away feeling lonely. Sometimes feel lonely IN church. I'd rather not go than to come away feeling more distant to people than when I came.
I wish I had some good advice. Trust yourself and how you feel. Maybe find a priest (from another parish?) you can talk about how you feel. It'd give you an outlet if nothing else. Guess I need to take my own advice. ;-)
I really enjoy reading your blog. Maybe when my life calms down, I'll be able to have my own blog again.
i grew up catholic too, but went away from it when i was in high school until late college. i became friends with some women who were not your "old school" religious people and who were actually accepting and all that good stuff religion says it is but often is not. anyway, i think having a progressive preist/parish helps, and i hope that a good one comes to your area soon! i also have problems with some of the ways catholicsim teaches/taught some of their principles, but just because you identify with a faith does not mean you accept its traditions. so i may be more like your husband, where i see the church has problems and i want them to fix them. but what always is more important to me, rather than missing mass or adhering to a certain tradition, is God and my relationship with him. I think if we all went back and looked at what Jesus said, His actual words, in the Bible, and focus on that, we would be way more kind and accepting as a religion and as people. Instead of trying to abide by what some Pope or cardinal thought 200 years in his interpretation. anyway, sorry for the rambling, good luck with everything!
ps to rlff:
i seriously think it's very inherent to churches in the south. that bombardment is gross.
Do you have to stay with Catholicism? I see that you have tried other religions, but what about Christianity in it's purest form - you, your Bible and the Lord?
I once read a terrific article that I can't lay my hands on at the moment. It expressed exactly what I felt about mainstream 'religion' and how men try to put God into four walls instead of in their own hearts.
I don't attend church, though when I did the church that I went to I considered a fairly decent place. I just decided at some point to take matters into my own hands and get some study materials of my own.
I think a main reason we 'should' go to 'church' (or a place where we are with other believers) is so that we can get encouragement & support as well as give it to others. I think it is a lot harder when you don't have this element in your life.
I was going to write a long comment here, but you've just given me something to blog about since I've just started my own blog...so I'll hold off for that lol
Anyway - if I find the article, I will post it.
Oh, Seeking Solace, I have posted enough about this on my blog for you to know that you have my sympathy. I'm the on the shelf myself for a bit, and although the commenters are trying to be helpful, if your conundrum is anything like mine, there is not much anybody can say that will resolve it for you. It's yours to sort through.
In responde to rl friend's friend, I live in the US Bible belt and the short answer to your question is: yes. I work in a small southern town in a remote part of the Appalachian mountains. There are 15--fifteen--HUGE--Baptist churches, one of which is next door. I like them--wonderful BBQ on game days, and really nice kids. But FIFTEEN!!?!! What does every other church have, like, 4 people in 'em"?
This, too, reinforces my feelings of isolation being away from my home church.
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