The Waiting Room

Today is the 18th anniversary of my father's death. I was only 20 years old when my father died. My dad was only 46 years old.

He was the type of person who always had a smile on his face. He was the person who would give you his last dollar because you needed it. People in my hometown just admired him for his generosity and kind nature. He was the person who volunteered to coach the baseball team, even though his son was not playing. He once took the entire cast of the play I was in my senior year of high school out for pizza because he loved the show we did. He taught me the importance of generosity, kindness and respect.

I was the textbook Daddy's Girl. We just connected. We had the same easy-going personality. I truly believe that if it was not for the fact that I look like my dad, I would swear I was adopted! I can count on three fingers the number of times he spanked me. He never raised his voice to me. All he had to say was "I am disappointed in you." I got the message. He expected me to do my best, no matter how difficult the task.

He always made me laugh. My best friend, Piglet, still remembers when we were sixteen and wanted to see "Purple Rain". Of course, one needed a parent to go with you to an R rated movie. So, my date takes Piglet and me to the movie theater. He walks up to the ticket girl. He points to me and says "This is my biological daughter." He points to Piglet and says "This is my daughter by marriage." Now, you have to understand that my father was a 6 foot 4 inch, 225 pound Black man. I am Biracial and Piglet is White! No one at the theater was going to argue with him!

My dad was very protective of me. I grew up in what would be considered the "Hood. It was a pretty rough area. My dad never let me play with the girls in the 'Hood. Consequently, the girls in the "Hood were very mean to me and thought I was stuck up and "acting White". I never understood it at the time. As I got older, I realized that he was only trying to protect me from the perils of the streets. Those same girls often got in trouble with the law, used drugs and/or got pregnant at a young age. Most of them are still in the 'Hood today and are still doing the same things. Lesson realized.

Sometimes I wonder if he knew that he was going to die. Prior to his death, Husband said that my dad pulled him aside and had a conversation with him. Now Husband and I had only been dating for about a year at that time. Husband told me that my dad approved of him and asked that Husband take care of his little girl. My aunt said that the day before my dad died, she talked to him on the phone. She said that all he talked about was me. Not my brother, my mom or any other family member, just me.

To this day, I can't look at photos of him without crying. I know that it was just his time, but I feel cheated. When I think of all the milestones in my life, my marriage, graduating from college, grad school and law school and being sworn in as an attorney, my dad was not there. I know some of you will say "but he was there in spirit" or "He was looking down on you." But it is just not the same. There is just this little void. I wonder what things would be like had he lived. Would I have left my hometown? Would I have decided to have children? Not that any of these things is dependant on my dad, but it makes me wonder what choices I would have made.

But I know he is proud of me.

And I miss him.