The Waiting Room

This could take a while...

Friday, June 13, 2014

Angry Green-Eyed Monster

Posted by Seeking Solace |

Yesterday, I was having lunch with one of my besties, who also works at Former College. Long time readers know this is the college where I worked when I first moved to Elsewhere and before Tech College. There has been a lot of chaos and disorder there, which was mostly chaos when I was there and entering disorder after I left to go to Tech College. Anywho, my friend was telling my that the person who took over my role in the legal studies area, someone who I hired, nurtured and groomed, is also head of the general education department and is being considered as the point-person in the revamping of the legal studies curriculum at all of the colleges within Former Colleges system.

When I heard this, I was, of course, happy for my former colleague and protege.  He has come a long way from when I had first hired him. He has transitioned very well from practicing attorney to academic. He will do quite well with his new responsibilities.

At the same time, I became jealous and angry.

I am jealous because I had fought for these changes to the curriculum to happen at Former College during the time that I was there. I had tried to show that I would be the right person for the job, given my years of experience in law and education, coupled with my PhD work. I just feel that it should have been me.

I am angry because I had wanted the additional responsibility while at Former College (Remember, I had applied to be Assistant Dean?) I had even suggested taking on some of that responsibility when it was clear that the person in the Assistant Dean position could not handle all of the responsibilities. Again, I feel like it should have been me.

Lastly, I am angry at myself. I am angry at myself for taking the job at Tech College, which resulted in my getting burned out beyond recognition and having to quit. That resulted in my being in the position that I am in now...underemployed and hustling adjunct jobs and begging to get back into the game. 

And, with all of that, I feel guilty for feeling so angry and jealous.

Husband says that it's understandable for me to feel the way that I do. At the same time, he thinks that I made the decision to leave Former College because it was, at that time, the right decision to make. There is no guarantee that if I had stayed at Former College, things would have worked out. If anything, it would have gotten worse. And, I didn't know that things at Tech College were so much worse. I need to cut myself some slack. I made the decision that seemed right at the time.

He's right..I suppose. But, it doesn't make me feel any better.


Rebecca said...

Husband is right, imo. Two things I would remind myself if I found myself where you are now.:

1) We can only do the best we can with what's in front of us at any given time. As Husband said, we make decisions based on the information and situation we have at the moment.

2) We never really know what anyone else is actually living, looking from the outside. Even with your colleague's information, you don't know exactly what kind of challenges/frustrations your protege is facing or will face in the position he now has. If you did know, it's possible that you would still be glad you made the decision you did at that time.

Try not to waste energy on looking back and second guessing. Instead, use the energy to look forward and imagine new possibilities. You did what you needed to do, you moved forward and did great with the PhD course. Things could be worse. A lot worse. You and Husband have both done really well during this time. You will both thrive, it's just a matter of time.