The Waiting Room

This could take a while...

Monday, May 23, 2011

In The Arms Of The Angel

Posted by Seeking Solace |

I learned yesterday that a very dear childhood friend died. She was only 42 years old.

She committed suicide.

For as long as I can remember, my freind battled many demons. Her mother was so cruel that she made Joan Crawford look like Carol Brady. I remember back in high school, we were at band practice which was held after school. The band director had kept us longer than the usual. My friend's mother refused to wait the extra five minutes and drove off. My poor friend started walking home, when her mom pulled up alongside her and scream at her. She would not let my friend in the car.

I remember being there to listen when we were teenagers and freshman in college. But, once life got in the way, we just fell out of touch. I think the last contact I had was before Husband and I got married and moved to LESC. I had heard bits and pieces from mutual friends, but did not have any contact.

And there lies the guilt.

What I didn't know was that she got pregnant out of wedlock, which upset her mother. My friend married the father of her child, but that didn't last because the ass-hat beat her up on a regular basis. No one blamed her for divorcing the bastard, except her mother. At one point, she was practically homeless and had to move back in with her parents with her child.  She battled severe depression. Despite medication and lots of therapy, nothing seemed to help.

You see, I understand why she decided to take her own life. I understand what it means to be in that place where you can't pick yourself up. I get it.

I just didn't think she would do it.

No, I don't think I could have stopped her. I think she was in a place where there is absolutely nothing that anyone could have said to make a difference. I just wish I could have been there. I wish I kept in touch so I could at least let her know that I cared. That maybe, she would have had one more person who was willing to listen.

See, I don't think people take depression seriously. I don't think people realize that there are those who are silently screaming for help. We "think" everything will be all right.

But, it isn't.

Most of the time, people just think someone will snap out of it. "Get over it", if you will. The truth is, depression is real. It can swallow someone up before anyone can throw out a life line.

I can only hope that wherever she is, may she find some comfort.


Arbitrista said...

My sympathies. That's very hard news to receive.

Dame Eleanor Hull said...

She's not hurting any more. I hope that may be some comfort for you. I am very sorry for your loss.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry.

I don't think people take depression seriously. I think we do think people can (and should) snap out of it. We think of depression as a feeling of sadness when real depression is something far more aggressive--and far more dangerous--than simply feeling sad.

Again, I am so sorry. News of the death of a friend is always hard but this kind of news is even harder to receive. She and you will be in my prayers.

JaneB said...

Much sympathy, it's hard news to process, especially when it also makes you wonder about the 'what if's' of dropping out of touch with people.

Yes, depression is very much downplayed/ignored/stigmatised... seen as a moral failing or laziness. We're not good with mental pain.

phd me said...

I'm so sorry. Losing a friend is difficult in any circumstances but these are particularly sad.

Belle said...

I'm so sorry - for her, for your own loss, for her child. You are so right, depression is so misunderstood, even by those who suffer with it. I think part of it are the words we use for it - it sounds like having a bad day, or feeling sad. We need a term that removes that transience, that makes it seem like 'snapping out of it' is possible. A word that is something that people have to learn. So that then they learn that it is a bottomless hellhole, in which sufferers suffer in the conviction that nothing can be done - by anything or anyone - to make things any better. I've been there, and it's debilitating, unending, incredibly miserable.

It sounds as if her mother may also have suffered from it - miserable woman.

rented life said...

Many hugs SS. I know we've talked about this before, you're right people don't take depression seriously. Hopefully, as people who are brave like you to talk about it, it'll help the conversation.

Seeking Solace said...

Thanks so much everyone. I am still having a tough time processing it all. A mutual freind and I have been talking via FB which has helped too.

Alice said...

Sending a warm hug your way.

TiredProf said...

So sorry to hear this. Thinking of you.