The Waiting Room

During the Christmas holiday, Husband and I were working out at the gym. It was a Friday night, which means there are hardly any people working out. I saw this guy wearing a baseball cap with the logo of Alma Mater Law School. We got to talking. The guy turned out to be the Dean of the Law School. He was appointed a couple of years ago, way past my time there. He asked what I was doing and I told him that I had left private practice a few years ago to focus on teaching. I mentioned that I taught at Private College. He informed me that he is in the process of instituting many changes at the school, including recruiting new faculty who have a passion for teaching. He encouraged me to keep my eyes open for job announcements.

After he left, it was just Husband and I in the workout area. Husband asked me what I thought of the conversation, particularly, the part about the job prospects. I just smiled. "No", I said, "I am committed to moving and starting something new. It's too late."

Last night while chatting with GML, I found a posting for a lecturer position at Alma Mater Law School. I mentioned it to GML during the conversation and later to Husband. Both of them asked me what I thought about it.

"It's too late." I said.

If the conversation with the Dean and the subsequent job posting happened a year ago, I would have been all over it like Oprah on a baked ham. I would have hustled whoever I need to to get my foot in the door. I would have done everything short of selling my soul to get that position. And let me tell you, it is a sweet offer.

But not enough for me to even consider it.

See, I am in a different place. I am not the same person anymore. I know what would happen if I put my heart and soul into getting that job. I would push myself so hard and get my hopes up. If I didn't get an interview, I would beat myself up, thinking I was unworthy or had something to prove. And if I did get the job, it would not solve the medical issues I have. I would still have RA. I would still be in Lake Effect Snow Central which would make the RA worse. And the cycle begins.

See, what I realized is that I have to get physically well which will help my getting emotionally and mentally well. And even when I do enter a remission phase, I am always going to have to deal with my RA on some level. But, it will be much easier to deal with it in an area where I can have the best chance at remission.

More importantly, I realized that I can just "be". I don't have to hustle after every job offer. It's OK for me to focus on taking care of myself for a while. Yes, I am applying for jobs in our target areas, but there is not this sense of urgency that once ruled my life. Whatever lies ahead, I know I will be OK.