Husband and I have 11 kids on our shopping list. That's five nieces, two nephews, one godson and three kids of friends. That's a lot of gifts and a lot of money.
It's weird because my aunts and uncles did not buy me Christmas gifts. Neither did my godparents or my parents' friends. They had their own kids to buy presents. Only my maternal grandma brought my brother and I a small gift. Also, my parents and others did not have much money back in the day. My parents used Christmas club accounts and lay-away to give my bother and I a nice Christmas. Husband's family was no different.
But something changed when I became and adult and my friends became adults and everyone started having kids. All of the sudden, there was the expectation that you buy gifts for the kids. To be fair, some of it is my own doing. My bother and his wife do not make much money, so I feel sort of obligated to help provide for his kids. And I think guilt may explain the others. In the case of god-children, you couldn't leave the sibling out becuase he or she would "feel left out".
It seems like we want the next generation to have it a little better than what we had. Husband and I make a very comfortable living and can afford to be generous. But at what expense? Sure, we set a limit of $25.00 per kid. But multiply that by 11. And there are some family members and friends who have yet to add to the bank. It 's not like you can just cut kids off. I mean, once all these kids are 18...the free ride stops. But, you can't just cut off a little kid.
And did I mention that none of these people buy a gift for my kid? Sure the Boy is a dog, but a bag of biscuits would be nice!
Do any of you feel the pressure? Do those of you who have kids feel pressure to buy for your nieces and nephews?
About Me
- Seeking Solace
- I am a college professor who is fumbling through the chaos of academia, rheumatoid arthritis, working on my PhD and just being a 40 something woman. I used to be a lawyer, which made me a snarky little person. I have a wonderful Husband and a German Shepherd named Junior. They help keep me sane.
Paws to Consider
My Sister's Keeper
16 comments:
how very irritating.
My rule is generally if I will see the child on Christmas day, I buy them a gift. If not, forget it. That pretty much rules out my cousin's kids (and I do feel some pressure there) and some friend's kids (and I do feel some pressure there, too).
this is a random story but we stayed with some friends for thanksgiving one time and their extended family chose to lump it together with hanukkah and they did buy something little for my kids because they assumed I wouldn't think of it (uhh we're christians?) and they didn't want my kids to feel left out. It was very thoughtful and I appreciated it. But I certainly didn't expect it.
I think my aunts and uncles used to buy us token gifts but only sometimes, if they were going to be in town for christmas day. And for a while, my family did the whole "draw a name" thing and we cousins had our own version of that, where we drew each other's names.
I will also say that when I see her for christmas, I always buy a gift for my sister's dog. I mean, that's her baby, right? and my sister is a sucker for the goofy old navy pet accessories.
I was curious if people who have kids feel the pressure to buy for other peoples' kids.
I would definitely bring something if I knew I was visiting. But, it's frustrating when Husband and I can't visit over the holidays because of the weather, yet, we still have to send something.
I love goofy Old Navy stuff! A lot of good stuff can be found at Target too.
I SO relate with this post... As the only single person among my siblings (who are all married and all have children), I rarely get so much as a card from anyone, and I'm always feeling like I have to spend tons of money on their (already spoiled) children for each of their birthdays and Christmas. I love my nephews and nieces and this is something that I WANT to do. But, even though I know she was trying to make me feel better when she said this, my sister called to tell me (after I gave everyone a gift at Thanksgiving because I hadn't planned to see them over Christmas), "Don't worry about getting gifts for the adults." Which implies that more gifts are expected for the children, and I was planning to do that anyway, since I did decide to go at the last minute, but it just feels bad when it is EXPECTED.
Is it a sign that my word verification is "Quitte"??
A couple of my friends have the same problem. Not only are they expected to get a gift for the kids but for the PARENTS too. WTF?
Before kids arrived 6 ofus got together every year and exchanged gifts. After teh first round of kids came (not us of course) we still all bought gifts for everyone. Last year we agreed to not buy gifts for anyone and save the money for food for our annual get together....but I knew the other wives would buy gifts for each others children so I bought gifts too so we wouldn't come off as jerks. Sure enough the others all got gifts for the kids. They all have kids but us. No one bought a can of cat treats ($2 people) for the cats. This year none of them have contacted us to get together....presumably because we still don't have children and they all do.
My family was larger on my dad's side so we all exchanged names growing up. a family would get one child and each adult got one adult (so you might not get the husband and wife). Grandma always bought for all the kids though. She also always was done shopping by October. On mom's side smaller gifts were exchanged because my aunt had less money. I have a collection of ceramic ornaments from over the years that she made and painted. But on both sides of the family we all saw each other sometimes between mid-December and xmas.
My parents buy for our cats and brother's cats (well technically it's from Santa--who also gets mom's dog a toy)but I've been annoyed every year that close friends don't acknowledge my children but I have to acknowledge theirs.
We have 8 nieces and nephews, no god kids. We stopped buying individual gifts awhile ago, it was expensive and unappreciated. We bought "family" gifts for a while, but stopped that as well because it was unappreciated (one year we got a $3 picture frame-tag still on it-in return.) This year we gave monetary gifts because while we're in the shitter, his sisters are even worse off, but it's like gift cards for food. Still. no pet acknowledgment
I might add, a guy I work with heard one of my cats was sick and his first question was "what does he look like? what's his name?" Other people I work with think pet people are nuts.
I only have three kids to buy presents for (one niece, one nephew, and one who will officially be my nephew very soon), so it isn't so bad. Even on the grad student budget, I can find some fun things for them. I like doing it. I don't feel pressured in any way, but this is a much smaller number than the one you are talking about. I might feel differently about it then.
Having said that, I can't imagine either of my siblings buying presents for my cats (my parents are a different matter). They could use a few new toys, though. ;D
RL: We do the gift card thing with most of our nieces and nephew because they have so much stuff. It's great for the teenagers, but it says something when you have to buy one for a six year old!
My mom buys something for the Boy and I buy something for her kitty. I like to say it was from Santa Paws!
And I am glad someone acknowledged your poor kitty. People think I am crazy when I mention my "kid".
K8: It wasn't too bad early on, but now it is just ridiculous.
I found some cute kitty toys at Target that were inexpensive. It's the thought that counts because for many of us, a child with fur is the closest we are going to get with having kids.
I hope your furry kids get something from Santa Paws!
I don't have any nieces or nephews yet, but a bunch of my friends are breeding, so it might happen - but I doubt it.
Between b and I we have 10 kids--not counting Angel. We used to buy Christmas gifts for all the kids but no parents (before I met b my family bought gifts for all siblings, siblings-in-laws and kids). Then we hit a financial disaster three years ago and had to tell our families that we were not going to be exchanging that year. This was the same year we moved down to SouthLite so it kind of worked out fine. Last year we continued the no buying policy and this year it has become assumed. I feel bad for the youngest kids (4 are actually 18 or over) but I also know that they get plenty of presents and don't really NEED another toy under the tree.
But you are right, growing up I received gifts from my grandparents when I was very young (10 and under) but not from aunts and uncles.
I have 14 nieces/nephews who range in age from <1 to 20. A long while back, my 6 sibs and I decided to go in together for gifts for them. Then a few years later, we decided to get one gift per family rather than one per child. This makes a HUGE difference in money, because we each put in $10/kid. So for my sister with 3 kids, the remaining 6 sibs put in $30/each for a total of $180. That buys a pretty nice gift (especially compared to what you would get for $10 alone), and there isn't much shopping involved. Often, we get family memberships to museums or the zoo. One year it was a basketball hoop. This year, one family is getting a wii from their other grandma, so we are buying games for it. It's a lot less consumerist, cheaper, and easier.
My sibs have always drawn names from a hat, more recently as couples. Our limit is $50-75 total for the couple. We really like it though, as this is one of the most important gifts we buy.
I have just one sister who doesn't have kids (neither do I, but I expect to have some and she can't). She got a dog this year. It never would have occurred to me to get a gift for her dog, but maybe I will after seeing that it matter to pet owners.
We have 10 (5 nieces and 5 nephews) to buy for. I don't mind buying for them, and I try hard to get them things they'll really like. We too have a limit, $30 kid.
We don't buy for siblings. My family used to buy for everyone else but it got to be a bit much, last year we did a yankee swap but this year things are tight so we're not doing that. DH's family used to draw names but once they started having kids they stopped that.
I do find it a little annoying that DH's family doesn't buy us anything for our birthdays. My sister who has 4 of our nieces and nephews buys us b-day gifts from her kids. I think it would be nice if my in-laws did something similar since we always send their kids b-day gifts.
Psyc Post Doc: I give you credit. I am always at a loss with my nieces and nephews. They have so much already that it is hard to find something that they don't have or will like.
Kids always need books! Even if they don't think that they need them, they need them. That's my theory.
That is very true. A couple of my "kids" are getting Barnes and Noble gift cards this year.
I don't see my side of the family during Christmas, so I don't buy for them which is a good thing because I think we're up to nine. When I was younger and I did see them, I bought books, and that's definitely cheaper than $25. I'd say w/eleven, you're more than justified in making a transition to scale back. I only buy for my niece on B's side who we see on Christmas Eve, so it's easier to go more w/her, but with that many kids - that's just too much.
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