The Waiting Room

Last night, I had a conversation with my professor about my provisional status with my PhD program. She informed me that there was quite a contentious battle between the department and the powers-that-be regarding my Forest Gump-like score on the quant section of the GRE. (Remember, in the movie when Forest's mother tries to enroll him in school, but his IQ score is just below normal? Yeah...that is my quant score on the GRE.)  She also said that there are some folks out there who think that I should have been denied admission, despite explanation for my scores being linked to my disability and the difficulty in obtaining accommodations. There are some who think I am going to blow it with my provisional status, or worse, not even finish the PhD.  Then, my professor suggested that there are ethical issues in allowing my provisional admission.


I said that I get some of her concerns..really, I do. In this world of increasing scrutiny, her concerns have some merit.  But, my counter-enlargement is that perhaps the whole is other than the sum of its parts. If we look at this holistically, the score on one part of one measurement is not the be all and end all of who a person is. I ended the conversation ensuring that I am looking into pursuing remedial measures over the summer to prepare for my quantitative methods course in the fall, and that I confident that I would continue to succeed in the program. I said that I've never backed down from a challenge, and I wasn't going to start now. I've fought for everything I have.

I left class feeling sick to my stomach. angry and hurt. I really wish I hadn't heard all of this. Have you ever wished you could un-hear something? It's next to impossible, isn't it?  Although, I know that there is probably some folks out there that feel I do not belong in the program, somehow it's worse hearing it. And once you do hear something like that, you can't erase those words from your memory.  I feel so unworthy right now. I also feel like I have a target on my back. And, it will remain there until I prove that I am better than my quant score.

There is part of me that wants to take the test again, earn the score that I need and let that be my "fuck off" to the naysayers. There's a part of me that just wants to move forward, do the extra work over the summer, and let my future work speak for itself. Husband wonders if all of this will blow over,. Someone or something will come along that will be the new face of chaos and drama, and no one will give my situation a thought.

I don't know what the answer is. I think I have to let me emotions be what they are for now. Then, I'll make my next move, with a clear head. I'll push through somehow. I'll fight and rise above this.

Like I always do.