The Waiting Room

This could take a while...

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Sinking Friendship

Posted by Seeking Solace |

Husband is one of the most compassionate, generous people I know. He is an incredible freind, always willing to come to a friend's aid in their time of need.

Husband and his BF have been friends for over 30 years. They've gone through high school and college together, almost joined the Navy together. They stood up for each other in their weddings. Husband is the godfather to BF's son. They have supported each other through thick and thin.

For the past couple of years, that friendship has been tested. BF went through a very nasty divorce and is in Chapter 13 bankruptcy. BF's now ex-wife financially ruined him. Husband has loaned BF money during the period of the divorce to help him. At first, loaning money was not big deal because BF had barely enough to eat ramen noodles for dinner. Husband had to put a stop to the lending when BF started asking for money because he had to "show the kids a really good time because that what they except".

Husband has dutifully listened as BF talks about his failed relationship with his wife and daughter. He has a pretty good relationship with his son. BF refuses to take any ownership of his role in the breakdown of the marriage. (Example: You don't give the checkbook to someone who you know is a fiscal hot mess). Yet, Husband listens and tries to be supportive.

This week, BF called Husband to see if Husband and I were coming to Son's graduation. Son still likes with his mother in a state that is south of Elsewhere. BF lives in the state north of Elsewhere.  Although Husband would love nothing more than to go, he really was looking forward to the long weekend to relax. He's been rather busy with a major project at work. Anywho, during the phone call, BF was making references that his Son believed that no one other than his mother's side of the family cared about him (I guess 18 years of birthday cards, First Communions, Christmas and other holiday in which Husband and I sent gifts and/or money went to some other kid). So, Husband agreed that he would attend the graduation. (I got to stay home because we didn't want to board the Boy again and I have a major project that I really needed to get started on).

Well, that's when the insanity began.

BF said he would drive down to our house Friday night and he and Husband would drive to Son's graduation on Saturday morning. Husband said that he would take his own car so that he could leave first thing Sunday morning, allowing BF to spend the day with his Son.

Seems to make sense, right?

So, Saturday morning, BF tells Husband that he did not book a hotel. BF was supposed to book a hotel room for him and Husband. Well, he didn't. Needless to say, this was a major problem because there was not a hotel within 70 miles of where Son lives that had a vacancy.

OK, you know your kid is going to graduation on a specific date. And, you know it's a three day weekend in a city that's a major destination for travel. And you conveniently forget to book a hotel?

BF said to Husband that Husband would drive the two of them to the event (It's about a 4.5 hour drive from Elsewhere).  They would try to find a hotel, but if they couldn't, they would drive back to Elsewhere that night.

Notice that it's my husband who is doing the driving.

Husband called me later Saturday evening after the graduation to say that they would be driving back to Elsewhere because, sure enough, there was no room at any inn.

Husband and BF came in at 3 AM this morning.

Husband told me that this whole incident put his patience and his friendship to the test. He said that during the entire ride, BF either bitched about his ex, or snored. I guess the snoring was the equivalent to two freight trains and a honking goose. Oh, and his friend had really bad gas and kept coughing...without using the universal cough etiquette.

Husband said he really needs some distance from his friend.

I am absolutely incensed about the whole thing. I firmly believe that BF intentionally avoided booking the hotel. I think he intended for Husband to chauffeur him around and pay for everything. I think BF took advantage of my Husband's good nature and kindness. I don't like seeing my Husband frustrated. As I write, I am ready to kick this guy out of my house right now. I have kept silent, as this is something that Husband has to do.

But, it just angers me that someone who you love lie a brother would take advantage of you.


Addy N. said...

Oh, that sucks! Yeah- it sounds like it's time for Husband to let BF figure out his own issues for a while. That's too bad. :(

Alice said...

So sorry... It's a tough situation but allowing BF to take an advantage of you again and again is not a solution; it appears to only get worse.

Seeking Solace said...

Thanks. Already this morning I had to remind him to cover his mouth when he coughs because of my suppressed immune system. He thinks he is coming down with something. I can't afford to get sick.

BrightStar (B*) said...

It does sound like BF is taking advantage of your husband. Will your husband have a direct conversation about his feelings about all of this at some point? It sounds like a rough situation, but really good friends need to talk about this sort of thing to move past it. Or it is not worth rebuilding?

Seeking Solace said...

B*: I think for now, Husband is going to distance himself for a while, then re-assess the situation. I don't know if BF is open to anything sort of constructive criticism right now.

rented life said...

reminds me of some of the issues Husband went through with his (now former) oldest He did have a talk with the one and that helped briefly, but things were forever strained. It was best in that case for husband to let go. Not saying that's best for yours, but I think the distance will help! Hugs to you both!

abcsofra said...

Small doses...very small doses. That is my rule with people like this. I know I can't change them, I can only change how I react to them. Such a hard situation for your hubby and for you.