The Waiting Room

It began with a cup of coffee.

About two months ago, I was having coffee with my firend, GML. I was in a funk and feeling rather low and beating myself up for all the crap that was happening in my life. After about 10 minutes of listening to my self loathing, GML stopped me.

"I wish you wouldn't beat yourself up like that" she said. "You have so much to be proud of. You have accomplished so much. You need to cut yourself some slack! You have absolutely nothing to prove to anyone."

As usual, when I hear those words, it goes in one ear and out the other. Sure, I know I beat myself up. I am my own worst enemy. I constantly have to 'prove" that I am worthy of anything I do or accomplish. And if I fail, well, that's just not acceptable. I've been to therapy, read books and done other stuff to try and curb my self loathing, and for a while, I am OK. But, it just seems to come back and it's back to one.

So, I responded with the usual, "Yeah, I know. Everyone keeps telling me that." response that I have spouted over the years when anyone tries to tell me that I need to stop the self loathing.

But, something happened. I looked up and saw GML's face. She was looking at me, dead in the eye. Then, she said:

"No, you just don't get it. When you say those things...beat yourself up...it hurts me when you do that."

I will never forget the look on her face. I could see hurt and pain in her eyes. It the look I would give if someone had hurt my best friend by saying those things.

In the past, there were many people who said those same words to me. Husband, friends, family have all siad that it hurts them when I put myself down. But for some reason, I never really looked at them. I never saw the pain in their eyes, like I saw in GML's. The feeling I had when I saw her pain, cut me to the bone. I was stuck by something I never felt before. It wasn't just about me. How could I hurt the person that so many people care about? How could I continue to cut down someone that everyone else sees as a wonderful person? How could I diminish or devalue myself when so many people have seen how valuable I am? In my beating myself up, I am not just hurting me, but those who care about me.

I spoke to my therapist, and I am working very hard to change this behavior for good. I am tired of the self loathing, tired of the feeling that nothing I do is good enough. I am tired of trying to justify what I do or trying to convince everyone that I am worthy.

Because the truth is, I am. I realize that now more than ever.

Later, I thanked GML for her words and told her how they impacted me. In true GML style, she just smiled and said "That's what I'm here for. I am a loyal friend."

Yes, my dear friend, you are.