I have a mini meltdown on Friday. It involved an assessment that my chair wanted all the Critical Thinking instructors to assign to the students and submit to him. There was some misunderstanding on my part as to what exactly my chair wanted me to do. What I submitted and what he wanted were two totally different things.
So, why the meltdown? I guess it's because I am still trying to figure out how things work around here. I am a bit paranoid that what happened to me at the last place may happen here. I am afraid to fail or make any sort of mistake, even the most benign.
I have always been sort a perfectionist when it comes to myself and the things that I do. I can tolerate fault in others, but not myself. I have been told that one of the great qualities is that I never make the same mistake twice.
But, I am not so sure it's a great quality to have.
Being a perfectionist means being constantly on guard. It means always wondering when the worst is going to happen. It means avoiding failure at all costs. It a high anxiety life.
It's a hard way to live.
There was a brief time in my life where I didn't care about what happened or what result occurred. When I was studying for the bar exam, it got to the point where if I failed, it didn't matter. I would just keep playing the game until I figured out how to win. And when I figured out the rules of the game, I won.
Somehow, I got away from that mindset.
I have to get back to being that less than perfect girl. And, I have to be OK with it.
About Me
- Seeking Solace
- I am a college professor who is fumbling through the chaos of academia, rheumatoid arthritis, working on my PhD and just being a 40 something woman. I used to be a lawyer, which made me a snarky little person. I have a wonderful Husband and a German Shepherd named Junior. They help keep me sane.
Paws to Consider
My Sister's Keeper
5 comments:
Think about it this way -- Hobbes was flat out wrong... (I'm teaching him lately :) ) -- he said that we compete with others because we know our own talents first-hand and that we only know the abilities and talents of others from a distance.
He's wrong because we also know our own faults up close and too personal and we know the faults of others from a distance... Thus, if you have a perfectionist streak, you are just too good at recognizing your own faults and not aware enough that everyone else makes mistakes as well.
Any reasonable boss will make allowances for misunderstanding directions on occasion. I'd forgive you :).
It's totally understandable that you would be feeling as you did, given what your last teaching job was like. It may take awhile to get the other place out of your head, so to speak.
i know what you mean, i feel my want for perfection holds me back sometimes, do i get less done b/c i take longer since it has to be "just right"?
also, i love the new template!!
Oh, I so know how you feel about the previous job experience making you paranoid about doing stuff right in the first one. Yup. Definitely.
I mean, in the NEXT one... duh...
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