The Waiting Room

So my hiatus is over. I bet you're wondering what happened.

Well, I had a panic attack. I have experienced them before, but this was the first one in a very long time. After the attack subsided, I could still feel my heart fluttering. I do have a mitral valve prolapse (sticky heart valve). So those two issues made me get to my doc, pronto. She did an EKG which was normal. The beta-blocker that I take was doing its job. But the whole thing was pretty scary.

What triggered it? I guess you could chalk it up to emotional overload; a stress filled week combined with a case of chronic open mouth-insert foot syndrome. Ever have one of those weeks where anything you say or do results in extreme blow back? Well, that was it for me. But damn, it should not have resulted in something so intense. I mean, we all have bad weeks. And in the grand scheme of things, last week was pretty tame compared to others. I have experienced weeks where I just wanted to lock myself in a room, curl up in a ball and cry. This was not one of those weeks. But the voices of inadequacy crept back in when I wasn't looking.

I needed time. Time to get my shit together and regroup. I did not turn on my computer. I did not watch much TV. I did not work and any school stuff. I just mellowed out, went for walks with the Boy, banged away on my piano, singing at the top of my lungs and thought about what I needed to take away for all of this

I work in very close quarters with my fellow faculty members. Normally, I try not to get caught up in the chaos and drama. But I let my guard down. I concerned myself with things that I can't control. I allowed my emotions to get the best of me. What I realized is that I need to steer clear of the drama, even if it means surgically attaching my IPod to my ears. It's not being anti-social, but I just need to protect myself. It is not my job to change the world. I just can't do it anymore.

I don't know if I will ever have another panic attack. But I don't think I will give so away so much of myself again.