The Waiting Room

It did not take long for me to find another job. I landed a position at Big Law Firm. Unlike most large law firms, this one was dedicated to representing the little guy. The majority of the clients were the middle class and unions. I had found my place in the legal world.

I was assigned to the litigation and compensation department, specifically compensation. For the most part, I liked my job. I felt like I was doing what I was meant to do. I enjoyed helping the little guy. I was viewed as a bit of a maverick; I did not follow some of the traditional large law firm traps, like working on Saturdays, just to be seen and kissing up to the big wigs. I basically just did my job and flew below radar.

The Senior Partner in my departments was a know it all and believed that he was always right. No matter the issue, his way was the right way, Even if you knew you were right and could prove it, you were wrong. Of course, I was used to this, having worked for a know it all at my last job. You just smile and cater to that person’s ego. Then you do the right thing.

But Senior Partner was also a rageoholic. The entire staff walked on eggshells whenever he was in the office. He would go off on the slightest little issue or non issue. Every other word that came out of his mouth was “fuck”. All of us, attorneys and staff, were subject to his daily dress downs, insults and rants. We were told we were stupid, incompetent and worthless. And that was a good day.

For me, it was quite difficult. I had grown up in a household with a parent that was just like Rageoholic Senior Partner. I spend time in therapy trying to deprogram all the tapes that played in my head as a child and get to a place where I felt good about myself. I tried to distance myself from his personal attacks and fall back on all the techniques I had learned. But as time went on, I began to feel like that abused child again. It was wearing on me both physically and emotionally.

One day, Rageoholic Senior Partner summoned me to his office. He began to yell at me about a case I had handled. The case involved a man who was a member of one of the unions that the firm had on retainer. I represented a man at a hearing. Prior to the hearing, he told me that he would cause physical harm to his employer and their attorney if things did not go his way. I took that threat seriously and asked the court deputy for extra security for the hearing. Witchy Associate overheard my conversation. She tattled to Rageoholic Senior Partner. Rageoholic Senior Partner told me that I had no business asking for extra security and that this guy could sue us for defamation. When I tried to explain that I was only looking out for my safety and that of the other people in the hearing, he said that THAT DID NOT MATTER!! MY SAFETY WAS NOT IMPORTANT!! He proceeded to scream at me for another 10 minutes.

When he finished, I began to walk back to my office. I was in a fog. For some reason, the walk to my office took longer than usual. It seemed like I was in a tunnel. My heart was racing, I could not breathe. When I got to my office, I could feel the walls closing in on me. I felt this feeling of impending doom. I wanted to jump out my office window, not to kill myself, but to escape.

Somehow, I was able to call Husband. He showed up at my office and found me curled up in a ball in the corner. He picked me up and carried me to the car. According to him, I was catatonic. He rushed me to the hospital. I had suffered a major panic attack and an emotional breakdown.

I had hit rock bottom. What was I going to do now?

This story keeps getting interesting….